Monday Morning Newsletter (3-9-09)

It's the ultimate irony, the original fake rock band, Spinal Tap, is doing a reunion tour. They’ve planned a 30-city tour starting this April. Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer. This time around they will be doing acoustic versions of the original This Is Spinal Tap material. A statement from the band reads, "You'll never hear Tap songs less loud."

On April 18th we will be celebrating Record Store Day. It’s not a holiday, but actually just a clever marketing gimmick. Independent record stores will debut exclusive releases and sport live performances. But it’s for a good cause, these stores are becoming an endangered species.

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Coolio got busted this week. At the security check at Los Angeles International Airport, screeners found crack cocaine in his pockets. Coolio then got physically aggressive and was detained. He was later released on $10,000 bail. This is better than his appearance on Big Brother.

Former Monkee Peter Tork has been diagnosed with Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma a rare cancer. The 67-year-old guitarist discovered he had cancer after a biopsy of his tongue last week. Tork will have to undergo radiation but is expected to make a full recovery.

On March 25th Mindless Self Indulgence will release a 2-disc special edition of their most recent album "IF." The release is planned for Japan-only and comes out via Vinyl Junkie Records. The import will feature a variety of previously unreleased material. Bastards!

Inexplicably Miley Cyrus is releasing her first biography this month at the age of 16. The tome of fluff is titled Miles to Go and was launched at a New York Barnes & Noble. Jose is utterly nauseated. It's a must-have for pedophiles everywhere.

El Grupo Nuevo de Omar Rodriguez Lopez, solo project of Omar Rodriguez-Lopez, is finally releasing a set of long-rumored solo albums. The three albums were recorded in 2006 this first of which, Cryptomnesia, will see daylight this May. All three are planned to be released through his own label, Rodriguez-Lopez Productions.

Amy Winehouse has raised the bar. I never thought I’d care about Amy again but she’s now in trouble for slapping a photo-snapping fan. The incident occurred at a charity ball in London last year. Ms. Sheren Flash has stated that the infamous crackhead/soul singer hit her eye at the event on Sept. 26. A court date is scheduled for March 17.

Fatboy Slim is in rehab! Mr. Norman Cook has checked himself into a clinic in the UK to dry out. Apparently he's having trouble with the bottle again. For Jose this leaves the question: Can sober people DJ?

Monday Morning Newsletter (02/25/08)

Another Monday, another batch of new albums, old tour dates, very old music moguls and very new titty jokes from our own Jose Fritz in the Monday Morning Newsletter

MVD Visual released "Busted Circuits and Ringing Ears," the sordid story of the Grunge rock innovating band Tad last week. For those of us that have seen it, there was a moment of Zen in realizing the band no matter how great, really was too ugly for MTV.

Sundazed Records has released a compilation of Connecticut garage bands of the 1960s. It’s titled Don’t Press your Luck. Even Jamie Jasta was surprised to discover that half a century ago bands used to admit they were from Connecticut. If serviced, Jose Fritz promises to mock their haircuts on an individual basis.

Three Nine Inch Nails song will be available as downloads for Xbox360 and Playstation. Just to ensure you do not become completely sick of the overbearing marketing campaign for Year Zero all tracks have been selected from the 1990s.

Mindless Self Indulgence announced a six track Remix EP for the single "Never Wanted To Dance," due to come out March 18th. The disc will have a DVD extra of Jimmy spitting a cup of his own urine onto a crowd. This differs from their live show as the urine normally belongs to the guitarist.

Lindsey Lohan posed nude for New York Magazine this week under the auspices of a Marilyn Monroe-like set of images. The 22 year old actress and singer was described by editor Adam Moss as “Classy, curvey, gorgeous and completely free of her addiction to smocking crack.”

Portishead has promised to appear at Coachella following their first appearance in a decade with a new studio album. Their tour manager has promised to return them to cryogenic stasis after a few U.S. tour dates. They will rest there in the refurbished airplane hangar with all the other bands I haven’t cared about since 1999.

Phantom Planet rose to eminence as The-band-Jason-Schwartzman-played-drums-for. During the recording process for their follow up record Schwartzman left the band seeking attention elsewhere for his abundant bodyhair. Despite that and the loss of their lead guitarist they press on imagining that they are still a band. The ironicly titled album Raise The Dead drops April 15th.

MySpace is making their second naively hopeful foray into the muisc download business. Rupert Murdoch, owner of MySpace suffering a moment of passing naivete, genuinely believes that he can save the record industry from itself.

Universal Music Group CEO Doug Morris was found Tuesday wandering aimlessly in Rockefeller Plaza. His doctors assured the press that he is healthy, and back at home with his family where the big bad internets can’t download scarey shiny things to hurt him.

Monday Dolly Parton posted on her website that she will to postpone her U.S. tour for six to eight weeks because of back problems created by her enormous fake breasts. Jose Fritz was so stymied by the absurdity of the situation he was unable to respond at press time.

Monday Morning Newsletter (02/18/08)

Well, well, well, what better way to spend your President's Day than to read more of the slanderous accusations of drug use and the odd tour date in Jose Fritz's Monday Morning Newsletter.

We Are Scientists have scheduled the release of their next album for March 5th. It might be named Brain Thrust Mastery but maybe not. We’re not sure. It might be on Virgin records again but probably not. They’re feeling very unconfident after their drummer left. It’s hard to commit to big decisions like this.

Mindless Self Indulgence's new album If will see a release through The End on April 29th. It will be the best album of 2008. End of discussion.

Ours has set up a short set of tour dates after canceling their New Year Eve Show. The release of their new album Mercey is pushed back from March 15th into mid April amid paranoid rumors that Jimmy has run out of Heroin.

Norma Jean has announced that for their new album will be titled "The AntiMother". They are on schedule to be dome by mid-summer. Helmet's Page Hamilton is collaborating on one track.

Many wondered last week why at the last minute My Bloody Valentine was cut from the Coachella concert bill. Kevin Shields came out this week conceding that while his arthritis was a factor, his Alzheimers is the real issue. Coachella founder Paul Tollett said “I envy the elderly and senile, they have Medicare and they get all the best drugs free.”

Sleepercar the side-project of Sparta’s Jim Ward will be out April 22nd. It’s titled West Texas.

On April 4th, Fearless Records will release their Punk Goes Crunk compilation. It boasts songs by classic rappers and not one but two dead MCs. These classics are covered by the likes of New Found Glory and The Secret handshake proving the age-old lesson: white people should not rap.

Tapes N’ Tapes is putting out a new record, Walk It Off, on April 8th through XL Recordings. The first single is “Hang Them All.” The band in all their open source hippie-dom has posted a version in .flac on their website.

If you hadn’t heard Shihad has ditched their Warner Bros pseudonym of Pacifier in 2004 and are Shihad again. They are so Shihad in fact they are touring Australia to let everyone know that they are sorry about the whole pacifier thing. Their latest album Beautiful Machine comes out this April.

More rumors surface about Scarlett Johansson and her mystery album reportedly due out this Summer. Tom Waits confirms he gave his blessing to the covers album. Dave Sitek of TV on the Radio confirms that he has been acting as producer and that David Bowie guests. On a related note, Jose Fritz confirms that he will write an ode to her breasts in the record review.

Radiohead have announced the first leg of their U.S. tour dates. They are predicted to sell out before you can get your wallet out of your pants.